The Battle of the Bands
by LKW
Summary: G1 Optimus' All Stars wage their battle to be more crowdpleasing than the evil forces of the Mega Band
1. The Challenge

Okay. I've had this idea for a while, and I've been working on writing it out ... for a while now. Finally decided to submit it in parts as I finish working on it. I'm not sure if it's working as well on "paper" as in my head ... feel free to let me know what you all think.

Takara, Hasbro, and their liscencies own all Transformers characters; song credits will be listed at the end; as always, my TF stuff is influenced by cartoon (and tech spec) and some comic elements; the challenge part of this chapter was particularly influenced, I guess, by the first season episode "Heavy Metal War".

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It was a quiet day at Autobot Headquarters … until the enormous explosion outside.

"Great Alpha Trion's Ghost!" exclaimed the Autobots' noble leader, Optimus Prime. "What was that?"

"Leakin' lubricants!" Ironhide exclaimed.

"No … I'm fairly certain that's not it," Optimus replied.

"We'll find out what it is, chief!" Cliffjumper said. "Come on, Windcharger!"

"I'm way ahead of you!" the red sports car called as he drove outside.

"Hey!" Cliffjumper yelled. "Come back! I didn't get to do my countdown! Aah!"

"Don't call me 'chief'!" Prime called after them.

After a few moments, Windcharger could be heard calling, "Uh, Prime …you'd better get out here."

"Yeah," Cliffjumper added. "In five, four …."

"Enough with the counting!" Gears exclaimed exasperatedly.

Optimus Prime and his warriors came out to find … Megatron. The mighty lord of the Decepticons was holding Windcharger and Cliffjumper upside down by their legs, waiting patiently.

"Greetings, Optimus Prime!" he exclaimed. "Welcome to defeat!"

"What?" Prime asked.

"Ah think he's talkin' to yer feet," Ironhide told Optimus.

"No …" Megatron groaned, briefly putting his hand to his face in disgust. "I refer to my upcoming inevitable triumph!"

"Well, if it's a fight you've come for …" Bluestreak began.

"No, actually; not yet. I came to issue a challenge!" Megatron declared.

"Oh?" Optimus asked. "Why fly all the way here, then? That isn't very energy efficient.Why didn't you try calling first?"

"I did!" Megatron declared with exasperation. "Your line was busy!"

"Affirmative," Soundwave, standing behind a rock above his mighty leader, intoned.

"What?" Optimus Prime asked with surprise. "Who was tying up our phone lines?" he quiried, looking around.

"Well …" Gears grumbled, "I was on the computer, for a little while…"

"What?" Prime asked.

"Yeah, me and Huffer."

"Whut could you two been a doin'?" Ironhide asked.

"A chat room," Huffer admitted.

"Well, I'll be a beige shock absorber …" Ironhide began.

"Complainersdotcomplaintsdotgrumble," Gears said.

"Oh," Ironhide and several other Autobots said.

"Autobots!" Megatron exclaimed. "We are getting a little off-track here. Allow me to ask a more relevant question …why do you still have dial up?"

"Other service is too expensive," Optimus Prime replied.

"What?" Megatron asked. "Steal it!"

"Never!" Optimus excalimed aghastedly. "Was that your challenge, Megatron?"

"No, foolish Optimus Prime," Megatron sneered. "I wish to challenge you … to a battle of the bands, for the allegence of the puny flesh creatures!"

"Band?" Optimus Prime seemed confused. "We don't have a band."

"Then that will be part of the challenge," Megatron replied. "Or, would you prefer that we engage in a gigantic, explosive battle over the humans, with the inevitable resultant massive destruction?"

"No," Prime replied.

"We can do it, Prime!" Jazz whispered to his leader.

"Yeah! Rock out!" Blaster seconded.

"I dunno," Ironhide and Prowl both said.

"Hmm …" Prime considered. "Hmm …. Very well, Megatron; we will accept your musical challenge."

"Excellent! Then we will defeat you in one week!"

"Defeat? But the battle has not yet begun."

"But it will begin, Optimus Prime! And then, I shall triumph! Huuhuuhahahaha!" Megatron exclaimed as he flew away.

"Well, he's confident, ain't he?" Cliffjumper remarked, rubbing his sore head.

"Yeah! It ain't over yet, rustbucket!" Ironhide exclaimed.

"Ain't that the truth!" Jazz seconded.

"'Ain't' ain't no … isn't a word!" Prowl exclaimed distressedly.

"Fear not, Prowl," Optimus Prime said. "If we must musically combat the Decepticons for the sake of the humans, we shall … assemble a swinging band with … neato tunes which shall win over the mamas and daddios!"

Jazz and Ironhide exchanged worried glances.


	2. Attack of the Autobots

Uh oh - now there's expectations to live up to! Well, anybody who doesn't like how the story goes can write their own take on the idea, I suppose. Anyway (now that I've been able to upload it), here's the next bit.

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Transformersfest was held the following week, in a small, formerly deserted valley. Huffer and Grapple, in consultation with Blaster and Jazz, constructed a stage for the Autobot performance at one end of the valley; the Constructicons, of course, assembled the Decepticon stage, at the opposite side. Thousands of humans were gathered in the space in-between, awaiting the beginning of the music. The Autobots were up first, winners of a game of chance. Predictably, Megatron had rigged the game; unpredictably, he had rigged it so that the Autobots would win.

"I wish to gauge their material," he explained to Soundwave. "If it is as … bland … as I predict, we should win this contest fairly easily. If they surprise me, I will strengthen our own set list."

"Of course, Megatron."

The Autobot All-Stars' show was launched with synthesized bass. Pre-recorded music blared through the speakers as the curtain parted, revealing five Autobots. Prowl, Hot Rod, Optimus Prime, Blue Streak, and Omega Supreme were arranged in a triangular formation, with Prime at the apex. They then began a choreographed dance routine. Eventually, they began to sing, while continuing the dance number.

"Backstreet's back, all right!" the Autobots sang solemnly.

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Megatron had fallen, and he could not get up.

He was laughing too hard.

"They – they – hahahaha!" he managed. "Dancing Autobots! Hoohoohahaha! Optimus … Prime … in a boy band – hahahahaha! Oh, this will truly be easier than I thought!"

"Ha ha -yes, Megatron!" Megatron could tell from the sound of his voice that Soundwave would be smiling, if he had a mouth.

"Heh heh hehhehhehheh … perhaps we won't even need to bother to play, Soundwave! Perhaps the humans will terminate the Autobots themselves, for unleashing that performance!"

"Perhaps," Soundwave agreed. "However, assuming that we do continue, there is an issue or two to settle among the performers."

"Oh, very well." Megatron, still chuckling occasionally, followed Soundwave farther into the backstage area. The space was filled with voices and music, as Decepticons discussed and rehearsed parts which might appear in their show.

"Instruments of destruction/Who's to fow a-pay/It's the final interruption …"

"Don't drink the water/There's blood in the water/Don't drink the water eh-eh ..."

"The greatest love/Of alllllll …"

"No, Shockwave, you can't play the harmonica …."

Finally, they arrived at the apparent source of contention: the musician list. To Megatron's great lack of surprise, the lead malcontent appeared to be Starscream.

"Megatron! What is the meaning of this?" Starscream asked indignantly. "My part – "

"Is the one I have chosen for you," Megatron said, with a note of finality Starscream either didn't notice or chose to ignore.

"But – SKYWARP as the lead guitarist? I'm better than – "

"I have made my decision."

"But – even Rumble and Ramjet have better parts than me! Do we need two drummers?"

"Foolish Starscream," Megatron chastened. "You can never have too many drummers."

"Affirmative," Soundwave seconded. "In fact, Tantrum may join us, if he can find his kit."

"But – I am Ramjet's superior officer! He shouldn't get a better instrument than me! He'll probably use his **head** on the drums!" Starscream ranted.

"Of course I will!" the nearby Ramjet responded indignantly. "What kind of an idiot do you take me for?"

"Argh!" Starscream cried. "These fools get main instruments, and the great Starscream gets – the triangle?"

"And the cowbell," Megatron added, with a hint of amusement escaping into his voice. "Such is the cost of defying me, Starscream. Behave yourself, and I may allow you to play back-up tambourine, as well." He turned away. "Now, I must prepare. I have decided we shall perform at least one song, despite the … squareness of the Autobots' performance."

"You'll pay for this, Megatron!" Starscream called after his leader. "You'll pay!"


	3. Performances and Pondering

Optimus Prime was gathered with a depressed group of Autobots backstage. The humans had migrated across the valley to hear the Decepticons play a heavy metal song.

"Exit light/Enter night/Take my hand/You're off to never neverland!" Megatron sang.

"Hey!" Jazz exclaimed. "He's changin' the words! He's cheatin', Prime!"

"Of course, Jazz," Optimus replied. "Such is to be expected of the Decepticons."

"Well," Jazz said, "if you're just gonna ignore **everything** I say, I might as well go home." Jazz began to transform into Porche mode.

"No, Jazz," Prime said conciliatorily. "I am sorry; you were right about the instruments; we should have started out playing them."

"Thank ya," Jazz said, returning fully to robot mode. "Now, if we can just get some hard-rockin' numbers goin', we can blow those Decepticon bums right outta – "

"Hold, Jazz," Prime interjected. "While I agree instrumentation may be useful, I hold by my position on the music - it must be wholesome, and palatable for the whole family."

"Hm …." Jazz replied doubtfully.

"We must not sink to the Decepticon level, with overly loud or offensive performances. If we are to win the trust and friendship of the humans, we must do it nobly, with happy, lovable music, which is good for everyone," Optimus Prime continued. "And I am confident that the analysis which Prowl and I performed of the human musical catalogue and popular charts, in consultation with yourself and Blaster, has produced a … 'cool' set list … which will enable us to win this contest while upholdingour heroicprinciples."

Jazz had reservations, but held them back for the moment.

"And, thanks to Bumblebee's reconnaissance behind enemy lines – "

"Aw, it was easy, Optimus," the yellow spy robot said. "They're so wrapped up in rehearsals they don't notice much of anything. Well," he added, "except for our number …."

"Yes, we've heard about all of the laughing," Optimus said. "But Megatron's other comments … have given me an idea for our next performance. Jazz … assemble your horn section."

Jazz brightened considerably.

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"All right!" Skywarp exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Rumble seconded. "We kick tail!"

"The humans really like us," Thundercracker said, adjusting his bass.

"Yes, I knew that we would defeat the Autobots in this contest," Megatron commented. "Optimus Prime is far too stiff, and thinks that all of the humans are exactly the same way. He has no chance!"

The Autobots had begun their next song: a Huey Lewis and the News number. Autobots were actually playing instruments this time, although Wheeljack clearly seemed ill at ease as part of the horn section … possibly because of his lack of a mouth. He did become pretty proficient at twirling his trumpet like a baton as the number went on, though.

"It's hip to be square!" Optimus Prime sang. "So hip to be square!" To accentuate his point, the Autobot leader transformed into tractor trailer cab form. "See! I'm a square!" he exclaimed.

"You can say that again," Skywarp remarked.

The Decepticons laughed. "Still," Megatron chuckled, "this performance is … moderately more successful than their last. Megaband!" he called to his players. "Prepare … for the Genesis Medley!"

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Autobot spirits were higher after their somewhat more successful second performance. However, confidence was again weakened by the sounds of loud, complex music coming from the Decepticon stage.

Rumble and Ramjet managed the coordinated drumming required by "Second Home By The Sea," with Skywarp adding the Mike Rutherford-esque guitar and Soundwave attempting to fill Tony Banks' shoes behind the keyboards. Megatron added menace to the lines "You're the next in line! You're all the next in line!" adopted from the live interpretation of "Domino: Part II – The Last Domino." Blaster and Jazz were able to identify pieces from other Genesis tracks in the medley, sections chosen to emphasize the Decepticons' notable musical prowess. With "Firth Of Fifth", Skywarp imitated the live work of Daryl Stuermer – or former guitarist Steve Hackett – as Ramjet and Rumble continued their Phil Collins and Chester Thompson act on the drums, with Thundercracker providing the Rutherford (or Stuermer, in later live shows) bass support.

During "Turn It On Again," Jazz added another note of alarm. "Aw no; they've even lifted the introductions during the song, like the band did on the '92 tour."

Indeed, Megatron was introducing the performers in his Megaband. "Downtown Polyhex," was about as creative as he got in introducing their place of origin, but he was giving each performer a chance for individual acknowledgement from the crowd.

By this point, Starscream had acquired lead tambourine, due to the … mysterious disappearance … of Kickback, the former player, and was doing a half-hearted Collins imitation on that instrument.

"And on tambourine," Megatron said, "… Starscream. You don't need to cheer for him," he added.

"Rrrrrr …." Starscream grumbled.

"And me!" Megatron concluded. "Megatron! Your mast- -head on the ship of Transformer/flesh creature friendship!" he caught himself.

As the number resumed in full, the Autobots returned to consulting (those that weren't listening to the concert, anyway).

"We're in trouble," Jazz said.

"Agreed," Optimus Prime conceded. "Prowl, do you feel it is time for Plan K?"

"Yes, Prime."

"Hm …." Jazz said. "Could work – since ya won't just yet us rock out – "

"Good," Prime said. "Please – get Grimlock ready."

"No," Grimlock said moments later. "Me Grimlock no like namby-pamby, touchy-feely, tuggy-huggy Autobot playlist. Me want Dinobot munch-metal set."

"C'mon, man," Jazz said. "I'd like ta change a couple things too … couple dozen," he digressed. "But – we need ya, Grimlock."

"Yes," Prowl seconded, having formed a plan of verbal attack. "We're in danger of being beaten by the Decepticons. Defeated."

"Rmm," Grimlock growled.

"But – with this number, we have a chance to strike back, to build towards a victory!" Prowl continued. "If you have the cast-iron manifold for it!"

"Hrmm." Grimlock's resolve sounded as though it were weakening.

"Yeah!" Jazz added. "You wanna beat the Decepts, right?"

"Mmm," Grimlock murmured. "… Perhaps …. Should me Grimlock do it?" he asked, turning to his fellow Dinobots.

" … Yes," Sludge said.

"We're behind you, boss," Snarl encouraged.

"Take one for the team," Swoop said. "We understand."

"… Very well," Grimlock replied. "Me Grimlock will do it, for victory. 'Cons no beat us." He turned towards the stage. "Slag – fetch banjoes."

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Banjoes? I know why, because I've already started the next section. But this was a good place for a chapter break, so the readers will have to wait (if probably only a day or two) to find out ….


	4. Rainbows and Guitars

Okay … a little more than "a couple of days". I did have the next section, with Grimlock's song, written; but the stuff that came after that took a little longer. I had the ideas mapped out, but it took awhile to get them down "on paper", and then to flesh them out into story form. Well, I hope anyone who reads this enjoys it. Let me know, if you want …. (And if you did enjoy this - or, if you thought it was missing something – you might want to read (and review, if you have the time) my previous "Robots in Disguises" piece – another story with Decepticons performing in a band, and Optimus joining the original Autobot Pretenders in disguise in an attempt to defeat Megatron's plot. I'm pretty pleased with how that one turned out.) Anyway, thank you for the reviews and for reading, and here's the conclusion of "The Battle of the Bands".

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The Decepticons gloated backstage.

"Yeah! Rock and roll!" Skywarp exclaimed, slugging down a bottle of liquid Energon.

"We've really got a vibe going!" Ramjet commented.

"We will, we will rock you!" Soundwave intoned surprisingly.

"We oughta do this every week!" Rumble said.

"Yeah – keep our fans happy!" Thundercracker replied. "And we can do t-shirts - and bumper stickers –"

"Really?" Skywarp asked.

"Yeah – Swindle's already lookin' into stuff – "

"Yes, and the humans can wear their shirts, and use their … 'bumper stickers' … while they are slaving away in our energy processing plants," Megatron interjected. "Do not forget our objective, Decepticons, even in the thrill of our … considerable musicianship," he continued, a smile touching the corners of his metallic lips.

The Decepticons had been ignoring the Autobots' turn at performing … until Skywarp exclaimed "Hey! What's that glow?"

"I think you'd better lay off the juice," Thundercracker said.

"Yeah!" Rumble exclaimed. "Or at least share it…."

"No, he's right!" Starscream took time out from sulking in the corner to exclaim. "From the other side of the field! What's that light?"

"Have the humans finally grown so tired of the Autobots' performance that they're trying to burn down their stage?" Megatron asked.

"Negative," Soundwave replied. "Believe the light source is … cigarette lighters."

"And cell phones," Ramjet said. "It's a Bic lighter song. What?" he asked, in response to the surprised stares of some of his comrades. "I can't know stuff?"

The human crowd was indeed holding up their lighters and phones by the Autobots stage. There were a few musicians seated on-stage, but the spotlight was centered on Grimlock. He stood in the circle of light, singing surprisingly sincerely.

"Someday we find it/ The rainbow connection," he sang. "The lovers/The dreamers /And me Grimlock."

"What IS this?" Megatron asked.

"Unknown," Soundwave said. "But it appears to be … popular." The crowd was gathered at the Autobot end of the valley, lights aglow.

"The lovers/ The dreamers/ And me Grimlock," Grimlock continued.

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The Decepticons found themselves unprepared for an Autobot success. They responded by performing a classic song by a classic rock band, "Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones. Megatron was agitated by the Autobot resurgence, however, and may have put off some of the audience by proclaiming "Pleased to defeat you/Hope you guess my name", and then repeatedly proclaiming "It's Megatron!", apparently fearing that the audience was too dense to figure that out on their own.

The Autobots' next musical attack was "Love Shack". Windcharger, Cliffjumper, Cosmos, and Gears were having some good success with this number ….

Until the lines "Huggin' and a kissin'/Dancin' and a-lovin'/Wearin' next to nothin' 'cause it's hot as an oven" – at which point the plug was abruptly pulled on their performance.

"Optimus!" Wheeljack exclaimed.

"Such dirtiness!" Optimus Prime lamented. "Such innuendo! Eww!" He shook his head, trying to shake out the sight and sound of his Autobots. "When they told me 'LOVE Shack,' and played me the first few lines, naturally I assumed it was a wholesome, positive song!"

"But – it's a fun song, Optimus!" Ratchet exclaimed.

"And we were winning!" Grimlock growled.

"I said that we would not win by evil means, and I meant it!" the Autobot Commander replied. The troubled Autobots muttered worriedly to each other.

"That does it," Jazz grumbled. "I'm outta here." He transformed all the way into Porche mode this time. "I'm goin' to New Orleans! … And then maybe to Utah …." The disgruntled Autobot drove off into the distance, unnoticed by Optimus Prime and some of the other would-be musicians trying to figure out how to salvage the day.

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The Decepticons were tasting victory even before Buzzsaw reported that Jazz had left the field.

"Hahahahaha!" Megatron laughed. "Mega Band – attack!"

And they did … by playing Jimi Hendrix's "Purple Haze". While Skywarp was ultimately no Jimi Hendrix, and the attempt to set a guitar on fire got a little out of hand, the Decepticons were still riding a high wave.

"This may be our darkest hour," Prime declared backstage.

"No, Prime," Prowl said. "Not the Matrix again!"

"Uh, no, of course not," he replied. "Blaster - karaoke mode! And someone bring me Hot Rod!"

"Aw no! I knew I should'a left with Jazz!" Blaster lamented.

After the Decepticons' number had ended (and the smoke had cleared and the fire was pretty much out), Optimus Prime took center stage. "Humans!" he exclaimed. "Do not succumb to the Decepticons! You must heed the desperate plea of my heartfelt romantic duet … with my daughter, Hot Rod!"

Hot Rod emerged from backstage, wearing a blonde wig.

"I'll get you for this, Prime," he muttered. "I'll get you."

The pair of Autobots proceeded to perform the Gwyneth Paltrow/Huey Lewis version of the song "Cruisin'". They were able to add something to the song by transforming into car mode when hitting the line"I love it when we're cruisn' together." However, the audience seemed a little creeped out by the "father/daughter" love song … and wig or no wig, Hot Rod was no Gwyneth.

"Decepticons!" Megatron cried backstage. "Move in for the kill!"

"Oh no," Blaster said, upon hearing the opening notes of the Mega Band's latest number. "They've brought out …"

"The Beatles," Ironhide said.

And the Decepticons had indeed turned to the catalog of the biggest rock band of all time. It was an accurate performance of one of their innumerable classics – well, except that Megatron changed the line to "While my guitar MIGHTILY weeps". Still, the human audience was enthralled, and the Decepticons could taste their triumph … except for one.

"Arrgh! I can't take this anymore!" Starscream exclaimed to himself backstage. "Starscream the Spectacular MUST perform! Argh! … And this is my opportunity! That Prince human proved his prowess with the guitar solo from this number at that Rock and Roll Hall of Fame performance, and so shall Starscream! Ha ha ha ha!"

Megatron left the stage as the instrumental section of "My Guitar (Mightily) Weeps" began, to consult with Soundwave about the audience response meters. He did not notice Skywarp take a null ray blast, nor the gray and red Transformer who caught the stunned robot and took his place onstage. However, when other backstage Decepticons were staring in surprise at the stage, Megatron saw – and heard – what had grabbed their attention.

"Starscream!" he exclaimed. "He …

"He …." Long Haul seconded.

Starscream commanded center stage, playing lead guitar. He …

… was good.

VERY good.

"Ravage: eject!" Soundwave cried. "Operation: drop your jaw in stunned amazement for me because I do not have a jawww!"

Ravage complied, easily.

By the time Megatron returned to the stage for the end of the song, it was clear: the crowd was theirs. After the song ended, their cries filled the air.

"Megatron! Megatron!"

"Mega Band! Woooo!"

"Drummers! Drummers!"

"Tambourine Guy!"

"No, humans!" Optimus Prime called desperately from the deserted side of the valley. "You must listen to us!" The audience continued cheering the Mega Band. "Don't you recognize me? I'm Optimus Prime!" He began to dance. "I've got the touch!" he accapellaed. "Huff huff huff huff huff! I've got the pow-er! Yeah …?"

"It's over, Prime," Prowl said.

"I know," Prime replied mournfully.

"Hu-hu-hahahaha! We have TRIUMPHED, my Decepticons!" Megatron proclaimed backstage to his enthused, celebrating forces. "You have done well … even you, Starscream," he added confusedly. "You may engage … in a celebratory round of 'Free Bird'!"

"Yay! Guitar parts for everybody!" the Decepticons cried.

"Stupid, foolish puny humans," Prime gripped as the Autobots packed up their equipment.

"Optimus!" Bumblebee exclaimed. "You can't mean that!"

"No," Optimus replied. "I suppose not …. Grumble…."

"Prime, I've got a web address you might want," Gears said.

"The actions of the humans are puzzling," Prowl remarked. "We studied their charts …"

"Yeah, well, a lot of stuff that makes the charts sucks," Blaster remarked. "Well, it does! And, ya know … music doesn't have to be all whitebread to be good."

"Yeah," Ironhide agreed.

"Music is bread?" Prime and Prowl quieried confusedly.

"It's an expression," Ironhide explained. "Leakin' lubricants!"

"Oh," Prime replied. "Perhaps …. At any rate – Autobots, prepare to roll out … perhaps for the last time."

"What? Are we banished from Earth or something?" Hot Rod asked concernedly.

"No," Bumblebee replied. "He just gets melodramatic when we lose."

"Oh."

And the Autobots did roll out, to the sound of the Decepticons playing into the night … and a successful tour, and endorsement deals. But, don't feel too badly for the Autobots. Their leaders learned a valuable lesson, and they began to get better cassettes and CDs for Happy Primus Day.

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Songs used (not necessarily my favorite songs – some may be, and some just seemed to make sense for the side performing them):

"Backstreet's Back" (?) - Backstreet Boys

"Instruments of Destruction" -NRG (The Transformers: the Movie soundtrack)

"Don't Drink the Water" – Dave Matthews Band

"The Greatest Love of All" – Whitney Houston (or, in this case, more like Cordelia Chase …)

"Enter Sandman" - Metallica

"Hip to Be Square" – Huey Lewis and the News

"Second Home By the Sea", "Domino – Pt. II: The Last Domino", "Firth of Fifth", "Abacab", "Turn It On Again" – Genesis

"The Rainbow Connection" – Paul Williams (The Muppet Movie soundtrack)

"Sympathy for the Devil" – The Rolling Stones

"Love Shack" – The B-52's

"Purple Haze" – Jimi Hendrix

"Cruisn'" – Gwyneth Paltrow and Huey Lewis (that karaoke movie with Paltrow, Lewis, and Andre Braugher soundtrack)

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" – the Beatles

"The Touch" – Stan Bush (The Transformers: the Movie soundtrack)

"Free Bird" – Lynyrd Skynrd


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